Where is the hickey?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
