God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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