The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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