Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Drake has all the answers
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
