Where did you get a picture of my penis
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
