Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
