we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
