All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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