i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
