god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Mom said you looked used
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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