i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
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