ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
