No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
