We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize