tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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