If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
