I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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