My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
