about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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