Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize