So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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