He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
