People with herpes should wear stickers.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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