I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
