the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
