You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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