dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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