I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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