He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Randomize
