quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
now i know why i became what i already was.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
