He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Alive.
So much puke
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
