i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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