I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Did I show you my penis last night?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
