When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
