she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
