i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
