It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
being pregnant is like rehab
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
