there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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