Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
