I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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