2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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