At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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