I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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