There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
should my penis look like a turkey
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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