Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Randomize
