you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
