***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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