and you said cock pushups were impossible
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
