I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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