Tell her she can't have a vagina
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
