you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
