My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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