I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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