my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
