Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This baby is an asshole
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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