You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
