I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
