Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
