Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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