she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
