Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
