Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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