I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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