I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
